Dave Barry

Are you a real guy?
Take this sientific quiz to determine your guyness quotient

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth,
and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic
friendship, they present you with a small but  incredibly sophisticated
device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply
of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating
oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:

a. Present it to the president of the United States.
b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations.
c. Take it apart.


2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss
the most?

a. Innocence.
b. Idealism.
c. Cherry bombs.


3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for
    narrow-minded social conventions.
b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really
    sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have
    to have him killed.


4. What about hugging another male?

a. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
b. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case, you
    should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food trapped in this male's
    trachea! I am not in any way aroused!")
c. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run
    to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that (1) He is legally
    within the basepath, (2) Both of you are wearing protective cups, and
    (3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures.


5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to...

a. ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones.
b. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
c. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.


6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

a. A cat.
b. A dog.
c. A dog that eats cats.


7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and
    intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday
    afternoon the two of you are taking it easy-- you're watching a football
    game; she's reading the papers--when she suddenly, out of the clear
    blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no
    longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is
    going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only
   whether you believe that you have some kind of future together.
   What do you say?

a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you
    don't want to rush it.
b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot
    honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting
    commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.


8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want
    to spend the rest of your life with her-sharing the joys and the sorrows,
    the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities
    that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?

a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and
    when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the
    stars in her eyes, you tell her.
c. Tell her what?


9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to
    get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:

a. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
b. "They're in school already?"
c. "There are three of them?"


10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes
    so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for
    your legs.
b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and
    has to be handled with tweezers.
c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks
    the garbage regularly in case somebody--and we are not naming names,
    but this would be his wife--is quietly trying to discard his underwear,
    which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more
    intimate relationship with it than with her.


11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact
    that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they
    finally got to the Promised Land?

a. He was being tested.
b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they
    finally got there.
c. He refused to ask directions.


12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?

a. Democracy.
b. Religion.
c. Remote control.


How to Score: Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer "c." 
A real guy would score at least 10 on this test.  In fact, a real guy would score
at least 15, because he would get the special five-point bonus for knowing
the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.

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