Dave Barry

A dead whale washes upon the beach

Explosive evidence: Life, a nasty business.

... I base this statement on a similar situation in Oregon where innocent civilians were struck by falling whale parts. I am absolutely not making this up; I have it all on videotape, which I obtained from the father-son team of Dean and Kurt Smith. The tape is from a local TV news show in Oregon, which sent a reporter out to cover a 45-foot, 8-ton dead whale that had washed up on the beach. The responsibility for getting rid of the carcass was placed upon the Oregon State Highway Division, apparently on the theory that highways and whales are very similar in the sense of being large objects.

So anyway, the highway engineers hit upon the plan - remember, I am not making this up - of blowing up the whale with dynamite. The thinking here was that the whale would be blown into small, bite-sized pieces, which would be eaten by sea gulls, and that would be that. A textbook whale removal.

So they moved the spectators back up the beach, put a half-ton of dynamite under the whale, and set it off. I am probably guilty of understatement when I say that what follows, on the videotape, is the most wonderful event in the history of the universe. First you see the whale carcass disappear in a huge blast of smoke and flame. Then you hear the happy spectators shouting "Yayy!" and "Whee!" Then, suddenly, the crowd's tone changes. You hear a new sound. The sound of many objects hitting the ground with a noise that sounds like ""splud." You hear a woman's voice shouting, "Here comes pieces of . . . OH MY GOD!" Something greasy smears the camera lens.

Later, the reporter explains: "The humor of the entire situation suddenly gave way to a run for survival as huge chunks of whale blubber fell everywhere." One piece caved in the roof of a car parked more than a quarter of a mile away. Remaining on the beach were several rotting whale sections the size of condos. There was no sign of the anticipated sea gulls, who had probably permanently relocated to Brazil.

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