Dave Barry

I'm sorry, that does not compute!

Welcome to Komputer Korner, the column designed for technological
morons such as -- no offense -- you.  We can safely assume that
you're a "low-tech" individual, because you're reading this
article in a newspaper, which is a primitive medium invented
thousands of years ago by ancient Egyptians who wanted to be able
to read Ann Landers.

If you were a modern, "high-tech" individual, you would not be
getting your news this old-fashioned way.  Instead, you'd simply
go to your computer and "log on" via your "modem" to an "on-line
service," which would instantaneously send you back an
"electronic message" informing you that your account has been
"suspended" because your 14-year-old son, "Robert," has been
using it to "screw around."  That's what happened to us here at
Komputer Korner, which is why we still get our information from
the newspaper.  We especially enjoy reading aticles about the
national debt, because our son will have to pay it back.

But the point is that there is a Computer Revolution going on,
and if you don't adapt to the changing climate, you will go the
way of the dinosaurs, who became extinct almost overnight as a
result or their inability to operate fax machines. This is
similar to what is happening today, as the Information Age is
rapidly turning us into a society that has two distinct and
unequal classes people: those who own personal computers, and
those who have several thousand extra dollars apiece.  The choice
is yours!

Of course purchasing a computer can be confusing, which is why at
this time we ae going to answer your questions, using a
question-and-answer format.

Q.  What's the deal with Hugh Gant and Liz Hurley?
A.  We mean your questions about computers.

Q.  Oh.  Which model of computer should I get?
A.  The best computer for your specific needs is the one that
will come on the market immediately after you actually purchase
some other model.  This is the key to computer ownership:  There
is always a newer, swoopier one coming out, and YOU NEED IT.
That is why we here at Komputer Korner have owned a series of
progressively advanced computers, including 286s, 386s and 486s.

Q.  What do those numbers measure?
A.  Our manhood.

Q.  What, specifically, should I look for when shopping for a
computer?
A.  You should look for a "Pentium" style computer containing
numerous "megs of RAM."

Q.  What do these things mean?
A.  Nobody has any idea, but everybody agrees that they are very
desirable.  You should stress them when dealing with the computer
salesperson, so he or she will know that you are a knowledgeable
consumer and not just some random idiot:
	YOU:  Is this a "Pentium" style computer?
	SALESPERSON:  Technically, that is a dehumidifier.

Q.  Why do I need to purchase the very latest model of computer?
A.  So you can run "Windows 95."

Q.  What is that?
A.  It is a hot new "software" item from the giant Microsoft
Corp. that has the computer world so excited it is making
cyberweewee in its pants.

Q.  Why is "Windows 95" such a big improvement over the old
"Windows" software, which is currently being used on virtually
every computer in the world and certain brands of toasters?
A.  The problem with the old "Windows" software is that people,
after years of intensive effort, are actually learning how to use
it for some purpose other than playing electronic solitaire.
This means that some businesses are in serious danger of becoming
productive and possibly competing with the giant Microsoft Corp.
It was therefore necessary to come up with "Windows 95," which is
actually nothing like the old "Windows," and which will
therefore confuse everybody and cause the U.S. economy to revert
to the golden era wherein 93 percent of all business computing
consisted of employees accidentally deleting each other's data.

Q.  Are there some people whom you would like to mention in this
column for no apparent reason?
A.  Yes.  They are Ken and Tita Ellis of Singapore.

Q.  How does "E-mail" work?
A.  It's very simple:  Each person on the "internet" has a
unique E-mail "address" created by having a squirrel run across a
computer keyboard, such as: "geekboogr2038rpm(!)rbi."  When you
wish to communicate with somebody, you simply put that person's
address on your message, give the "send" command, and within
seconds -- no matter where in the world the addressee is -- your
message is being read by dozens of teenage "hackers," who are
also using your VISA card number to purchase Hawaiian vacations.
Don't try to stop them:  They can also launch missiles.

GOT A QUESTION FOR KOMPUTER KORNER?  Write it on a piece of paper
and mail it via the U.S. Disgruntled Postal Worker Service.

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